I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
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