if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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