yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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