Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
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