Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Randomize
