We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
