sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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