I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
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