I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
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