Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
