I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
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