I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
