new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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