oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Randomize
