Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
