My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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