someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
