definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
