My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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