Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize