I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
