Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
