Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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