I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
