Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
