my mouth tastes like poor choices
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
