I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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