i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
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