she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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