You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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