Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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