i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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