Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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