Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
