I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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