walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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