I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
So many bounce houses so little time
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
