There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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