I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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