If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
