My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
