i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Randomize