No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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