If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Randomize
