i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
