Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
