I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
That's how pantless uber rides happen
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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