How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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