So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
