i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
