i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
