i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
My penis needs a shock collar
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
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