Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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