this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Randomize
