omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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