just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
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