If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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