I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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