So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I think a kid would responsible me up
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Randomize