Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
