Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Randomize
