Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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