There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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