Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
